So many of the women who come to me when considering divorce have totally neglected themselves.

Their hair color is grown out, their nails are broken and unpolished or they’re wearing something completely unflattering. I can see that they have not been practicing self care. One of the first things I’ll ask is, “When was the last time you had a physical and a mammogram? When was the last time you went to the dentist for a check up?” The answers are usually alarming.

When you’re in the middle of a divorce or still in a doomed marriage, you are feeling pretty shitty about yourself. And when you feel shitty about yourself, you neglect self care.

That’s just a fact.

When your self-esteem is low, you are not thinking about your looks. Or your health. When you’re depressed, every day is a struggle. You’re certainly not looking to add any more events to your schedule. You just want to get through the absolute necessities and go back to bed!

So you don’t get a flu shot.

You don’t get your teeth cleaned.

You don’t get your hair cut or your nails polished.

Not every situation is so extreme. But even my clients who are not depressed still don’t take the time for themselves that they should.

Yet it’s one of the most important things you should do, especially when you’re considering or in a divorce.

Taking care of yourself — physically, emotionally and spiritually — is crucial for building your self-esteem. And without self-esteem, you will not have the confidence or the tenacity to get through the long, grueling, ego-bruising process of divorce.

So I’ve put together my list of my SELF CARE REQUIREMENTS for before or during a divorce. 

1. MEDITATE. If you haven’t tried it, don’t be scared of it. It’s not as woo-woo as you think! Just sit quietly for 10 minutes (set a timer), and clear your head of all thoughts.
2. GRATITUDES. Make a list (on paper or in your head) of all the things you are thankful for. When you start looking around at all of your blessings, your perspective changes.
3. GET A CHECK UP & MAMMOGRAM. No need to explain this. If you’re not well, you’re not going to be able to function at your highest level. So see a doctor every year, and then actually make whatever changes he/she advises.
4. HAVE A DENTAL CLEANING. It’s just healthy maintenance, but not only will it make your mouth feel refreshed, your whiter smile will give you just the ego boost you need.
5. READ. When’s the last time you curled up in a favorite chair and lost yourself in a good book? It’s transporting, and something you should carve out time for.
6. VISIT THE HAIR SALON. Try a new cut or a new color, and watch how it changes your look and your mood. It’s a total self-esteem boost!
7. MASSAGE. Sure, an hour-long full body massage at a fancy spa is awesome, but you don’t have to spend a fortune to get a similar effect. There are tons of small places that offer foot massage or chair massage for a fraction of the cost.
8. TAKE YOURSELF ON A DATE. What do you love to do that no one else you know really gets? Go to art museums? Watch foreign films? Eat Moroccan food? Listen to live jazz? Whatever it is, go do that. Alone. Learn to enjoy your own company.
9. SPA TREATMENTS. Whether you go to a salon or DIY-it at home, treat yourself to a facial or an aromatic bath or a hot oil hair treatment as often as you can.
10. PRIMP. Go the extra step when getting dressed. Plan an outfit instead of throwing on your go-to jeans and tee. Have a blow-out. Do your nails. Accessorize. The more put-together you look, the more in control you will feel.

Notice I do not call these “tips” or “ideas”. No, these are requirements — things you MUST do if you are going to have a successful outcome to your divorce.

Because no one can take care of you the way YOU can.