No one expects to get divorced. No one walks down the aisle thinking, “One day, I’m going to divorce this man.” No, you’re dreaming about growing old together, having grandchildren together, being buried next to each other.
So when you realize your marriage might be headed for divorce, it’s like finding out you or someone you love deeply has a terminal illness. Your marriage is on its deathbed. And you must go through the same stages of grief.
The renowned Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kugler-Ross, authored a groundbreaking book in 1969, On Death and Dying. In it, she first discussed her theory of the 5 Stages of Grief. She identifies the stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Let’s look at each stage and take a little quiz to figure out where you are in the healing process.
Which of these stages sounds the most like where you are right now?
DENIAL
Even though your rational brain knows there’s no hope of reviving your marriage, the thought of pulling the plug is just too much to bear. So, you go into denial. You deny that there is anything wrong. Instead of trying to fix it, or end it, you pretend that everything is fine. You look the other way when that thing is happening that is absolutely crushing your soul.
This stage can last for a loooooong time. It may take someone else holding a mirror up to you to convince you that it’s over. Or you can grab yourself by the shoulders (so to speak) and give yourself a good, firm shake, and tell yourself to come to grips with the fact that it’s time to move on.
ANGER
You’re pissed! You’re mad as hell. You want to hit something (or someone). You are so mad at your spouse for whatever it is that you believe they did to cause this. You’re mad at the universe for creating this space that you’re in right now. You’re mad at everyone and everything that led you to this place.
The more you let yourself be angry, the faster you’ll work through it. So let it out. Take a kickboxing class. Go to a desolate spot and scream your lungs out. Find a way to get your anger out. This phase can be short if you deal with it head on.
BARGAINING
You’re trying to make deals with God. Like “God, if you just make him love me the way he used to, then I’ll go to church everyday for the rest of my life.” Or maybe you’re bargaining with your spouse. “If you’ll stay with me, I’ll never complain about (blank) again.”
Ugh! This is the ugliest of the 5 stages. You are promising to do things that are not in congruity with who you are in return for something that is not going to serve you. The good news is, this stage is pretty easy to recognize. So when you see yourself bargaining, either verbally or mentally, remind yourself — ever so gently — that you do not want to make promises you either can’t keep or will regret. It’s not a good look.
DEPRESSION
You are so tired. You can’t get out of bed. You’re too exhausted to eat. Yet you can’t sleep. You spend an inordinate amount of time curled up in a fetal position. The thought of what is happening seems so overwhelming, you just can’t deal. It feels like a tidal wave is coming at you, and it’s just too big and too scary to face. The only answer you can find is to pull the covers up over your head.
This may well be the hardest one to get past. I always think of Carrie Bradshaw in the first “Sex in the City” movie. After she was left at the altar, she couldn’t get out of bed, or eat, for days. And her friends were there to watch over and protect her while her depression ran its course. No one was saying, “Snap out of it!” Now those are real friends! If you don’t have friends like that, then be your own. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Sleep when you have to. Don’t try to be Superwoman. However brief your bout with depression, it must occur. So allow it. Then be done with it.
ACCEPTANCE
Suddenly the clouds have parted. The heaviness is lifted. You see a light at the end of the tunnel. You have hope once again. You may actually even smile. You are at peace with your divorce.
Congratulations! The hard part is over, and it’s time to get to work on the business of your divorce. Now that the 5 stages of grief are behind you, you can function more efficiently.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios? Or in all of them?
These 5 stages of grief do not always occur in the same order. Or you may skip one or more of them altogether. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and every person is different. Don’t try to force a stage if you’re not ready for it. Just watch it unfold as if you were watching a movie. As each stage reveals itself, look on it fondly. For you now know that it is a means to an end. The end of the grief, and the start of a wonderful new beginning.