If you’ve been emotionally or psychologically battered, you may not be able to tell. This checklist may give you a different perspective.

I didn’t realize how unhealthy my first marriage was. (First of all, let me say that the picture above is of me with my new husband. I’m happy to say that I got it right the second time!) I’d suffered a slow-drip of erosion to my self-esteem for so many years that I couldn’t see how abusive the relationship had become. On top of it, I was too humiliated to confide in anyone, even my family and closest friends, so I had no one to hold up a mirror to show me what my marriage really looked like.

So here I am, holding up a mirror for you. I’ve made a chart of characteristics of an abusive marriage versus a healthy marriage. How am I an expert? Well, aside from being trained as a divorce coach and as a counselor for victims of domestic vioence, I personally have experienced one of each. If your marriage is healthy (like my second one is, thank GOD!!!), then PLEASE share this with a friend who you think may be in a toxic situation, even if she can’t see it herself. I know you don’t want to insult anyone, but you’ll be doing her a huge favor — maybe even saving her life. I will never forget the friend who saved mine by holding up a similar mirror for me.

How many of these characteristics are true for your marriage:

IN A HEALTHY  RELATIONSHIP, YOUR SPOUSE

• Communicates regularly and effectively 
• In an argument, sticks to pertinent issues that are relevant 
• Always says “I’m sorry,” even when not solely responsible
• Empathizes with your feelings
• Consults with you on all household decisions
• Puts his your needs/feelings/desires above his
• Wants to do things together because he enjoys your company
• Wants you with him to share experiences 
• Encourages your independence
• Wants you to have control of your own money
• Recalls past events accurately
• Embraces your family                                                                                                  

IN AN ABUSIVE  RELATIONSHIP, YOUR SPOUSE

• Keeps you constantly guessing/off guard
• In an argument, brings up things from the past that aren’t relevant
• Never takes responsibility, even when it’s his fault
• Ignores your feelings   
• Makes household decisions without conferring
• Puts his own needs/feelings/desires above yours
• Wants to do things together only to make things easier for him
• Wants you with him to use you as a human shield
• Demands to constantly know your whereabouts
• Insists on controlling your money 
• Twists past events
• Disparages your family

So how does your marriage rate? If there are more characteristics on the “abusive” side than on the “healthy” side, then it’s time to do something about it. If talking to your spouse doesn’t work, then a good next step would be to talk to a coach.

No one deserves to be treated in an unhealthy, abusive way. Yet so many people suffer through it. You are not alone. There is help. With the right guidance, you can regain your confidence, summon your inner strength, and make some meaningful changes. No one else is responsible for the quality of your life but you. What will you do about it?