Co-parenting with someone you’re in a contentious legal battle with? There’s no manual for that. Sure, you should put your personal feelings aside and do what’s best for the kids. But if he’s not doing that as well, then you’re just a doormat. How do you stand up for your kids and yourself when he’s acting like a jerk?
Here’s the #1 trick to dealing with a vengeful ex: GET CREATIVE.
What does that mean? Well, that depends on the situation. But here are some steps you can take to figure out how to get what you want when he’s fighting you every step of the way.
- Analyze the problem
- Identify what he is trying to gain by his behavior
- Figure out a way to make him think he is getting what he wants by doing what you actually want him to do.
It sounds complicated, but it’s really very simple when you see it in action. Here’s a real-life example from one of my clients. I think you’re going to enjoy how it turns out.
He had the kids every Wednesday night for “dinner”. He would pick them up from school and was supposed to return them at 7:30 pm according to their agreement. But that never happened. At first he would drop them off at 7:45, or 8. Then it was 8:30, then 9. She told him he needed to drop them off on time because it was a school night and they still had homework to do. (He believed his time with the children should be “fun time” so he refused to spend it doing homework). The more she complained, the later he would return them.
She reached out to her attorney, to the legal guardian, to the forensic psychologist. Letters were written, phone calls were made. It cost her hundreds and hundreds of dollars in fees, and nothing changed. He just kept dropping them off later and later because he knew how much it was aggravating her. The kids would come home tired and unable to complete their homework.
When the school nurse told her that all three of her kids were in her office every Thursday with headaches, she knew she had to get creative. She came to me with the problem, and here’s what we came up with.
- We analyzed the problem: The kids are sick and tired on Thursdays because he is dropping them off too late on Wednesdays.
- We identified what he is trying to gain by doing this: He’s trying to show he still has control over her because she isn’t able to get him to drop them off on time.
- Now we had to figure out a way for him to think he was still controlling her while getting him to drop them off on time. And we did.
The next Wednesday night, at 8 pm, she turned off all the lights in the house, got in her car, and drove it around the corner. She parked where she could see the house, but her husband wouldn’t be able to see her car when he drove up. She brought a book and a flashlight and spent the next hour reading. At 9 pm when she saw her husband’s car drive into her driveway, she started the car and raced around the corner and into the driveway. His jaw dropped. He looked at his watch in disbelief. She flung the car door open and flew past him. He said, “Where have you been? It’s nine o’clock!” She said, “I was out and lost track of time.”
The next Wednesday, he dropped them off early — at 7:25 — hoping to catch her being “late” again. He felt that dropping them off late was no longer controlling her, so it no longer served him. Now he believed he could control her by getting them home on time so that she couldn’t stay out. The kids benefited, and my client was relieved.
It worked like a charm. And it didn’t cost her another penny.