Why are you so angry?
Remember when you were dating, and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you? Do you remember how incredibly painful that was and how angry you got?
Well multiply that by 100 times infinity.
Because that’s what divorce feels like.
This is the end of not only a relationship, but THE relationship. This is so much more than your run-of-the mill breakup. No, this is the end of the relationship you thought would be your last, your one-in-a-million, your everlasting, your forever. You’ve created a family with this person (whether you have children or not). You are bonded together and undoing that bond is harder than any other break up you’ve ever experienced.
No wonder you’re pissed.
You’re pissed beyond belief. No one can really understand how angry you feel and why you’re not getting over it.
As Dr. Constance Ahrons explains in her book The Good Divorce, divorce-related anger is “an extreme rage, vindictiveness, and over-powering bitterness that is felt when a love relationship is ending. It is a special kind of anger that usually hasn’t been experienced before.”
So how do you manage this kind of seething, crazy-making, gut-wrenching, don’t-get-in-my-way kind of anger?
First, know that it takes time to get over this kind of anger. A lot of time. Years, maybe. But in the meantime, here are 5 strategies that will help you release and/or deal with some of that anger.
- SCREAM. Get in your car, park it somewhere you won’t be noticed, make sure all of the windows are up, and scream at the top of your lungs. Or if you can’t leave the house, scream into a pillow. (Not quite as powerful, but still effective.) Sounds crazy, you say? Not as crazy as taking it out on some innocent bystander, I say. You will be surprised at how much of a release you will feel. And I’m not talking about a one-time fix. This is something you can (and should) do as often as you like.
- FIGURE OUT WHAT SETS YOU OFF. What are your triggers? Is it hearing his snarky tone of voice in a voicemail? Tell him only to text and stop listening to the voicemails. Is it having to write that child support check? Prepare beforehand by changing your mindset — maybe by writing a note (“for the kids”) on the memo line. Is it seeing his pictures on Instagram? Um, that’s easy to fix! There are workarounds for almost everything.
- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ANGER. Maybe you don’t want to work around these issues. Maybe you just want to be angry right now. Maybe you’re not ready to let it go. That’s okay! But then you have to learn to embrace it.
- USE YOUR ANGER AS A SPRINGBOARD INTO PERSONAL GROWTH. When you are this mad, your adrenaline is flowing. Your heart is pumping. You’re in “fight” mode. Put all that energy into something positive. Start working out. Or take an art class. Or maybe do some deep diving into your psyche, and develop ways of growing spiritually. Take advantage of the fact that you’re firing on all cylinders, and find ways to change that negative energy into a positive.
- TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL. Hire a therapist or coach who is trained in dealing with divorce, who will really listen to you, who will get to the root of your anger, and who will guide you toward a path where you can let go of it once and for all.
Wherever you are with your anger, know that this is all normal. This is how we humans react to divorce. You are not alone in these feelings. We’ve all been there. We’ve all done that. This, too, shall pass.